This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
