Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
