I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
