im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And then my night got REAL pukey
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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