Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
