I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
