Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
