My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
