TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Drunk is a universal language darling
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
