Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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