Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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