I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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