I think I won the penis lottery.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
