we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
