You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
