I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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