i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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