I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
