If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize