By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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