just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
