I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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