I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
