Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
