They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
