Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
