im drinking this country out of the recession.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
