I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
