i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
