God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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