After last night, I could never be a politician.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
