I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
