Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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