Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
