Someone shit on the floor
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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