My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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