There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
