She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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