youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
