just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Found the puke drawer
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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