Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Randomize
