My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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