I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
