Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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