I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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