Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
