I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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