By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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