Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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