The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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