no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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