I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
