Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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