Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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