your parents love me but you hate me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize