I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Well I just put wine in my tea
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
