it wasn't lemon gatorade
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
