he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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