You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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