I'm so fucking centered right now
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
