At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
