chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
